Stuck on the First Step

Search me, O God and know my heart: try me and know my restless thoughts.

This was the response in this week’s Common Prayer (a liturgy book I read each morning).

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me and know my restless thoughts.

I can’t say if it was timely, or if it shaped my week, but as I’ve been walking along the last seven days, I can’t help but think that it was God-ordained.

My thoughts have been restless. There is a never-ending list that I am attending to, adding two items for every one I manage to cross off. To make it clear how full my brain is— I haven’t managed to finish my coffee most days this week, which I know because there are 4 partially full mugs sitting on my desk at the moment. So, restless might be a euphemism for the pattern of my thoughts this week (see picture above for accurate depiction).

Pausing to ask God to search me and know my heart seems nice. Yeah— it’s not a great descriptor, but this week, I need God to do the searching and the knowing because I just don’t have it in me for a deeper dive.

Examen this week has been very casual, and I’m trying to be OK with that. To sit and rest in God’s presence (the very first step) has been the most I can manage. My intentional awareness of Jesus' presence with me has been limited to my early morning walks (especially in an appreciation of the rising sun in the morning sky).

The thing is (and this might be the practical, useful part for you) going over my day has not been anything short of stressful this week.

I’m not that partial to the past. If I had to choose an orientation to time it would be the present (what needs to happen right now) or maybe the future (a time flush with possibility, and no mistakes yet). I would not choose the past. The past is stuck, frozen, an already occurred that (yes) affects me because it set me on the current trajectory, but otherwise is only beneficial for reflection and learning. I’m not an overly nostalgic person, so while sitting and reflecting through the examen should (maybe?) bring peaceful resolution to my day, when I’m as busy as I am right now— it honestly makes me feel keyed up; all I can see are the things that didn’t get done. And, to be honest, I haven’t achieved the required discipline to set those feelings aside to notice where along the way I brushed up against the divine.

I guess I’m just doing the best I can with the energy I have.

This brings me to my next point:

My evening routine kind of sucks. I always find that when I want to add a habit or make sure that something important happens I need to schedule it early in the day. By the time my day is wrapped up (usually around 7/8 pm) the last thing I want to do is anything overly structured.

But… I haven’t seen anyone doing an Examen earlier in the day. Granted I haven’t finished St. Ignatius’ book yet, but I haven’t been able to wrap my head around doing it earlier either.

So that’s where I am this week.

Grateful that even when I feel short on time and inclined to the future, the Creator of Time has the ability to search me, and know my heart: try me and know my restless thoughts.

And maybe next week, I’ll get past the first step of my Examen.

Love ya,

P.s. how is your practice going? Let me know by email (meghanlamatthews@gmail.com) or on Instagram (@itsmeghanmatthews)